Reflection on Pain and Despair

The laughing, mocking, and taunting whispers in my mind were relentless, especially when things didn’t go right.

I would hear: "He hates you. God hates you. Why are you still here? Why aren’t you gone? Look at your arms. Look at your veins. I’ll bet your veins could use some air." 

These cruel thoughts urged me to grab a knife, to drive into a wall—to end it all, assuring me that no one would care. The pain of thinking that God doesn’t love me is indescribable.

The Weight of Hopelessness

If I had to describe it, the feeling was a combination of hopelessness, rejection, and shame. Drugs scared me, so I avoided them, and while drinking seemed like an escape, it brought its own problems—the shame and hurt reflected in my children’s faces. There was no true reprieve. The pain became a constant companion, whispering louder during hard times and only slightly quieter during good times, though nothing ever really felt good.

Childhood Roots of Pain

These feelings started in childhood and grew as I became an adult. When bad things happened, I swallowed the pain, convinced I deserved it. I never cried, screamed, or sought help. Asking for help seemed impossible—it would mean breaking the unspoken rule: you didn’t tell, and you didn’t call the police.

Trained to keep secrets, I hid the pain, shame, fear, and self-hatred behind a polite smile. Good manners became a shield; if people didn’t notice me, they couldn’t hurt me. If they couldn’t see me, they couldn’t hate me or spread cruelty about me.

A Life-Changing Challenge

My future husband challenged me to ask God what He really thought of me. Reluctantly, I sat down, free of distractions, and prayed, asking God how He saw me. To my amazement, God responded: “You are Courageous, Loved, and Beautiful.”

I challenge you to do the same. Sit in a quiet space, pray, and ask the Lord what He thinks of you. You may be shocked at what you hear or feel in response. I know God loves you because His love for us never wavers, even when we struggle to love ourselves.

Transformation Through God’s Love

God took my feelings of shame, sadness, rejection, loneliness, and pain and transformed them into joy, happiness, peace, and togetherness. The joy I experience now is so profound, it’s beyond anything I could have imagined.

If someone had told me I’d be living this life, I wouldn’t have believed them—not because of financial blessings (though I am grateful for God’s provision), but because of the love and beauty that now surround me. I have a wonderful husband, the love of four soon-to-be five grandchildren, and a great relationship with my children and stepchildren.

A Message of Hope

I’ve never been as loved and appreciated as I am now, and it’s all because of God. If you feel different, unworthy, or unloved, know this: you are God’s child, and He hears you. He loves you. He wants to bless you. All you need to do is ask and believe for those blessings to begin.

Trust in God’s unwavering love, and let Him transform your life just as He has transformed mine.

To share your story, email sonni@ppekids.org